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Monday, 5 September 2011

Treasure Trove: Hellhounds (2009)


Maybe it's because I'm a sucker for tales of adventurers daring to invade Hell to rescue the soul of a loved one, but - for all its many faults - I found the SyFy monster movie Hellhounds to be strangely enjoyable.

Sure, it appears as though a lot of the props were borrowed from 300 and the dialogue is strangely mannered and stilted in places (I can't decide whether to blame the actors of the scriptwriter's attempts to capture some faux Shakespearean vibe), but it also features an extended dungeon crawl sequence so it can't be all bad.

Directed by Ricky Schroder (yes, THAT Ricky Schroder), Hellhounds is the story of brave Grecian warrior Kleitos (Scott Elrod, the B-movie world's answer to Henry Cavill) leading an expedition into the Underworld to rescue the spirit of his new bride, Demetria (Amanda Brooks) who was poisoned on their wedding day - by jealous friend Theron (James A Woods - no, NOT that James Woods - who does a good job of channelling a heavy dose of that special Gary Busey insanity).

It's also a race against time as Hades, Lord Of The Underworld, will claim virgin Demetria's soul as his bride in three days time...

Following the directions of a blind seer (Indra Ové), the small group of adventurers, which includes Theron, Kleitos' scholarly brother Nikandros (Adam Butcher), trusted swordsman Andronikus (Andrew Howard) and a handful of anonymous NPC red shirts, head off into the Underworld.

In Hellhounds, the Underworld comes in three forms: the River Styx - basically a stinky obstacle that can be crossed by bribing or tricking Charon (Theodor Danetti, voiced by Arthur Grosser); the surface world, which looks just like "the real world", with clouds, the moon, grass and rocks, simply filmed through a different filter; and the dungeons of Tartarus.

While most of the dungeons are no more threatening than a funfair ghost-ride, Tartarus does have monsters, illusions, trick portals and, as Nikandros points out: "the labyrinth has levels" - which is good enough for me!

However, even with Demetria rescued and the traitor exposed, things aren't going to go easy for Kleitos once he's back in the land of the living - as Hades (Oltin Hurezeanu, voiced by Alain Goulem) sends the resurrected Theron and a pack of hellhounds to reclaim his runaway bride.

On the whole, the performances are okay, nothing exceptional, but nothing so bad as to be risible, but the editing and plotting leaves a bit to be desired - especially when the adventure shifts back to the surface world of faux Ancient Greece (Romania doings its best to stand in there) and people start heading off in one direction, only to return where they had just left the scene before; or characters are mauled by hellhounds and spring back to life, with no wounds, a little later.

The titular hellhounds, though, are possibly the biggest plot hole in the entire movie: the hardiest of warriors run from the sight of them (giant, black dobermans with glowing eyes), and they are frequently called 'unstoppable and unkillable', yet every time anyone actually fights one they go down with a single hit (an arrow, a spear thrust, a sword blow etc).

And when Theron is skulking around in the final act, he is always accompanied by a pair. But when they are felled, suddenly Andronikus knows there's a third one about... even though we've never seen any evidence of it!

It's also worth noting that for a TV movie, there's some quite graphic gore - especially in the Underworld torture scenes - and a fair bit of blood gets slopped around as well.

Definitely one for B-movie connoisseurs or those of us willing to watch any old swords, sorcery and sandals fare for the sake of "research".

GAME MATERIAL:

The Elixir Of Pan

A rare magical draught that provides protection against all forms of fire.

If full, the bottle will contain 13 sips (otherwise roll 1d12 to determine amount left).

Each sip provides total protection from any fire damage for 10 minutes - everything from a candle flame up to walking across burning lava, fireball spells through to the flames of Hell. The drinker will still feel a proportionate degree of heat, but suffer no damage whatsoever for the duration of the potion.

2 comments:

  1. I saw this thing. I didn't learn what the name was though. It was both really bad and strangely interesting at the same time.

    I loved the part where the bad guy was having his intestines pulled out of him. And I hate things like that usually.

    And I didn't realize little Ricky directed it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. That's part of its charm - thinking it was being directed by that wholesome little kid from Silver Spoons!

    ReplyDelete

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