Oh dear! Having just sat through two-and-a-half hours of Wonder Woman 1984 I'm speechless.
After the emotional exultation of Zack Snyder's Justice League - which gave us a brilliant and strong, empathic Wonder Woman - I was on a high and looking forward to Wonder Woman 1984.
Now I'm just depressed.
I don't really know what to make of the film and, as my dear old mother used to say, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all".
But this is a bad film. A really, really bad film.
At first I let it ride because I thought they were fully embracing the 1980's setting of the movie by giving it a silly 1980's superhero TV show plot.
Which I was okay with... up to a point.
But by the time everything comes crashing down at the end in a befuddling mess, I simply couldn't comprehend how anyone with any authority over the production of this picture thought it was fit to release.
It's 1984 and Diana Prince, aka Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot), is working at the Smithsonian, where she meets mousey new recruit Barbara Minerva (Kristen Wiig).
The museum is asked to examine a collection of liberated black market antiquities by the FBI, amongst which there happens to be a magical wishing stone.
But the wishes come with a cost.
Diana, who has been doing her Wonder Woman stuff on the q.t., is reunited with her long dead love Steve Trevor (Chris Pine), but gradually begins to lose her powers, while Barbara starts to become 'more like Diana', but at the cost of her humanity.
However, the magical wishing stone was only there in the first place because skeevy shyster and would-be oil magnate Maxwell Lord (Pedro Pascal) was after it. His wish seemingly grants him ultimate power... but at what cost?
Matters escalate like a madcap caper movie, that doesn't know whether it's supposed to be wacky hijinks or life-endangering action adventure, until the world is on the brink of nuclear war.
But nothing really gels.
Everything - from Diana not being bothered that Steve has possessed another man's body against his will to her very flexible power set - seems a bit off.
Why, for instance, does Diana's wish have a second level of consequence that drags in some innocent rando to her fantasy scenario? Couldn't Steve have just been magically plucked from the time stream and reincarnated in 1984?
And, also, the "rules" of the magic state very clearly that everyone can only have one wish: yet, Barbara appears to get a second - which leads to her, admittedly impressive, ultimate transformation.
I can understand that immortal Diana, raised an island without men, would fall hard for her first love and therefore mourn his death for almost 70 years, but this isn't explicitly addressed in the movie, just alluded to in her self-imposed isolation.
Even the final, obligatory, mid-credit scene feels like random, and rather pointless, fan service (and not the good kind). It's not even really an Easter Egg in the main body of the movie, but a tacked-on scene at the end that bears no narrative weight.
There's something very wrong with Wonder Woman 1984, from the ground up. It just doesn't work, despite its potentially wild and wonderful plot premise, that could easily have been lifted from a Silver or Bronze Age comic book.
The leads all do a bang-up job with the material they are given, but the script by director Patty Jenkins and comic book guy Geoff Johns starts at about middling, then goes downhill at an accelerating rate.
Material is thrown at the wall left, right, and centre, much of which is never explained or properly addressed.
Despite some noble efforts from many of those involved in this project, it breaks my heart to admit that Wonder Woman 1984 is a shockingly, indescribably, awful film.
While the effects, cinematography, score, lighting, set dressing etc are all on point, Wonder Woman 1984 simply doesn't hold together as a cohesive - or coherent - work of art.
I'm suddenly a lot less excited for Patty Jenkins's Rogue Squadron movie than when it was announced at the Disney Investors Day last December.
- Wonder Woman 1984 was released on DVD and Blu-Ray in the UK this week.